New Year's Resolutions

I always thought I had a practical view on New Year's resolutions. Up until a few years ago, I didn't make them. I mean, why make a goal that you are obligated by tradition not to keep? I view the whole process as a practice in inefficiency.

Lately, I have had so many people ask me what my resolutions were that, I felt obligated to come up with something, anything to stop the looks of incredulity. This practice has become my newest tradition. Some of you are cheering. Stop, it's not what you think. I don't succumb to peer pressure. Almost unvaryingly curiosity and occasionally boredom, but not peer pressure.

This year, I resolve to:

1. Start smoking. If I try really hard I bet I can get up to three packs a day.
2. Become an Alcoholic. I always wanted to start a sentence "Hi, my name is Jeramie..." then have a whole room full of people respond "Hi Jeramie!" Bonus points for it not being staged.
3. To gain 60 kg. It has to be metric--I'll give that up next year.

Now, the important thing to remember is that I will be no more successful than the majority of you are with your resolutions. The beauty of it is that I won't feel bad about it, not even one little bit!