Global warming, what's your theory?

Last night, my boyfriend and I went to a lecture on the ocean's role in global warming. It was a lot of fun, and there was some interesting points raised. That being said, I still don't believe in global warming. While listening to her lecture, it occurred to me that my own theory on global warming is just as believable and, coincidentally, useful.

Before I state my theory, I do need to add a little clarification. This theory was born because I thought it would make my mom laugh. A few years ago she needed a little pick me up. The facts in this theory have not been verified, and are based upon hearsay and memory remnants from junior high science classes. Don't look for science here! Science has no place in a theory for global warming. That being said...on to the theory.

It’s the penguins! As proof, I offer the following. The largest hole in the ozone is over the Antarctic. It is widely held that the holes in the ozone are caused by global warming. Thus...the Antarctic is the biggest contender in global warming; more than any other place on Earth. So, what caused this hole? If this hole was caused by the handful of researchers who inhabit the content every summer, there should be a bigger hole over China. Thus...man is not the cause of global warming. *Whew* We all can now sleep a little better tonight. Be sure to turn the heat up, it's cold. Penguins are the only animals that are indigenous to Antarctica. Thus... penguins are the inadvertent (I’m sure they mean well) cause of global warming! Now, some of you are dying to ask about the small holes that are above some of the world's largest metropolitan areas. I ask you, have you ever heard of a metropolitan area that doesn't have a zoo? I don't think that they exist.

Now, every good theory in global warming ends with a proposal for future action. As much fun as it would be for this video game junky to go around and participate in a penguin massacre, I do not think that this is the most prudent course of action. We should first try talking to the penguin. I saw something similar attempted in a movie. Again, Hollywood is before its time!

New Year's Resolutions

I always thought I had a practical view on New Year's resolutions. Up until a few years ago, I didn't make them. I mean, why make a goal that you are obligated by tradition not to keep? I view the whole process as a practice in inefficiency.

Lately, I have had so many people ask me what my resolutions were that, I felt obligated to come up with something, anything to stop the looks of incredulity. This practice has become my newest tradition. Some of you are cheering. Stop, it's not what you think. I don't succumb to peer pressure. Almost unvaryingly curiosity and occasionally boredom, but not peer pressure.

This year, I resolve to:

1. Start smoking. If I try really hard I bet I can get up to three packs a day.
2. Become an Alcoholic. I always wanted to start a sentence "Hi, my name is Jeramie..." then have a whole room full of people respond "Hi Jeramie!" Bonus points for it not being staged.
3. To gain 60 kg. It has to be metric--I'll give that up next year.

Now, the important thing to remember is that I will be no more successful than the majority of you are with your resolutions. The beauty of it is that I won't feel bad about it, not even one little bit!

Are You Curious?

I hate January. It is so cold, dark, and depressing. In order not to succumb to the depression that always seems to chip away at my reserves, I have to think of funny memories. I just thought of one, and thought I would share.

I have a dear friend who was my first roommate at Weber State University. She was so much fun. Anyway, she brought with her this footlocker. That in its self isn't to odd, but the footlocker was locked with a padlock. This really got my curiosity going. I was imagining all sorts of things that were locked up in that footlocker: a 1830 pistol collection, a life size Leonard Nimoy doll, a fully functional drug lab (Ha...all you Star Trek fans thought I was going to say kidney), the raciest collection of paperbacks known to man (or woman for that matter), a larger than life collection of alternate identities. I had her living all sorts of double lives, she was really a spy for the CIA, a double spy from Canada, an evil scientist bend on world domination, a super hero. . . well, you get the idea. One day the curiosity got to be too much for me, and I simply asked. I was never more disappointed in my life. Turns out she kept her extra bedding in there!

Holidays, arn't they great!

So...I have a friend who thinks I'm funny. Everyone has their delusions. She set up this blog for me. And silly me, until I tried to get started, I thought that she did the hard part. It has been over a month since she set it up, and I think she is getting ready to lynch me. Seriously, I found a receipt for feathers. I'm sure she's hiding the one for tar.

Anyway, I thought I would share what happened over the holidays with my family. First I've got to tell you that being the only one in the immediate family that lives out of the St. George area has its benefits. Everyone is extremely glad to see me, and I can do no wrong! I frequently wonder who stole my family, and if they are going to return them when they pick up this one.

So, I went home for Thanksgiving. I expected a nice visit, but not much that would go on. I mean, last year my little brother, CE (If I use initials no one will know who I'm talking about, right?), tried to blow his hand off. That makes this year clam, right? Using this logic, I decided that I would bring my boyfriend home to meet my family. Never use logic where my family is concerned.

My other little brother (Yes, I have 3. I consider myself rich. If you want one, just ask. Depending upon the time, you may even get the one you want.) WE tried to kill himself. If you have extra time in your prayers, please give a shout for him. He is dealing with chronic headaches and a pretty severe depression, not a lot of fun. Everyone else was normal, and other than that it was an ok visit. I brought my boyfriend home, and returned after WE got out of the hospital. Unfortunately I could only get a week off, I would have liked to have stayed until Christmas.

During that week CE got his wisdom teeth out. Let me tell you, CE on Lortab is one of the funniest things that you have every seen. He thought that he could drive. When he was tackled he decided he would escape out the bedroom window. I don't know why he didn't take his car, but luckily he didn't. So, my little sister, BJ, and I searched the neighborhood (hoping we would find him before the cops had to bring him home) and mom called him. He came home, but on the way he stole a scooter from somewhere. He was having such fun riding it, and acting completely stupid! To this day, he doesn't know where he got it. We left it on the corner, hoping that the kid who owned it would find it. I hope that he did. I'm not sure what else we could have done, it's not like we could have taken an add out in the local paper. ... "Stolen scooter, if it's yours please come to 123 street and pick it up. Sorry for any inconvenience. I was high and didn't know what I was doing." ... Doesn't go over very well.

Mom was lonely, so I went back for Christmas. I was going to bring my boyfriend (he was so not going to stay in his apartment alone for Christmas), but his mom got lonely too. That or he's more scared of my family than he lets on. He came back with homemade jam, so I guess my family's not that scary. Over Christmas My little sister, JM, found out that she was pregnant. She decided to tell us by bringing over the test. I'm not sure why. It sparked an hour long debate about how pregnancy tests fade/don't fade over time. And, of course, how reliable they are in the first place. She should have known better, it's not like she didn't live with our dad for 20 years! I felt really sorry for her husband. He so totally didn't know what to say or do.

So...that was my holidays. And just so you don't think that my whole family is crazy, I have a brother that didn't make it into this blog. But don't worry. I'm sure that there is hope for him yet.

JLD, how's this for a first post. Kind of long, don't get used to it! :)