How to know you're a chemist

Several years ago one of my friends had a roommate that thought he wanted to be a chemist. She thought we should hook up, and hosted a dinner. We didn't hook up. (Side Note: I wouldn't know what to do with a Freshman any more than a Freshman would know what to do with me.)

All through dinner, he kept asking me what makes a good chemist. I honestly answered his question, but I don't think that he was very satisfied with my answer. I think that he was looking for a laundry list of qualities that he could check off. The chemists that I've met in my short career make me doubt that such a list exists. There are so many different subdisciplines of chemistry, that the best marker of whether you would make a good chemist is whether or not you like chemistry.

However, in my old age, I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Jack*. I thought that I would post a list of items that I have found on various websites that will allow him to gauge his progress to becoming a chemist, or at least tell whether or not he wants to be come a chemist. So, in true Jeff Foxworthy style....

You know you're a chemist if....

1. Your favorite activity is testing the water in the fish tank – and you don't even have any fish.. (if you have fish, you are a biochemist).
2. You think that fresh air smells bad.
3. You know that Anal. Chem. is not the title of a raunchy video.
4. All your scars are not from bar fights but from chemical burns.
5. You BBQ with the bunsen burner.
6. Your kids ask you how Santa fits through a small chimney you reply, "Duh, tunneling effect."
7. You've had an hour long discussion with a health nut about what 'organic' really means.
8. You think people are lazy for calling 1,3,7-trimethyl-1H-purine-2,6(3H,7H)-dione (or 1,3,7-trimethylxanthine) caffeine.
9. You habitually wash your hands BEFORE and AFTER using the restroom.
10. You refer to drinking any alcoholic drink as a hydroxyl group analysis.
11. You hum "dilution is the solution to pollution" while looking at a sink or urinal.
12. You look at yourself in the mirror and you say "damn I'm chiral!"
13. You consider adjusting your glasses a calibration.
14. You buy a sleeping bag, but it will never be used outdoors.

And the best indicator that you are a chemist is....

15. You've spent 30 minutes trying to explain to someone just how funny an item on this list really is! (#6 got me. Poor Nick. If you want to understand it, send me an e-mail and I'll explain. I won't promise you'll think it's funny, but you will understand.)

*name changed to protect the innocent.