Arachnophobia

This post is in hopes that I can help my little sister with her arachnophobia. While I still maintain that it is not my fault that she has arachnophobia (what fun could be had by throwing little balls of black string at her, if she didn't shriek like a banshee), I believe that I may be able to help her work out this fear.

I guess I should start by stating my credentials. Don't give me that look! I do have 'spider experience.' I had a pet spider for 3 years. A wolf spider. This spider lived on the side of our house. We would still be friends today, if I hadn't moved. I would talk to this spider. I have always found it helpful to tell problems to someone, not for a solution--but to get a better handle on the problem. Our conversations were always so very one-sided, though. I felt bad about this. I consoled myself by believing that if the spider wanted to talk, I would listen. Now that I have been self-certified as the spider guru, on to the therapy.

(1) Spiders that come into the house are committing suicide. They want to die, and you are doing them a favor by ending it quickly for them. In Jr. High, I had a basement bedroom. The number of spiders that liked to bite me at night was astonishing! At that time, I made a pact with all spiders. When I am outside, they are allowed to try and kill me. However, if they come inside I am allowed to try to kill them. If they leave their friends out of it, I won't recruit help either. These odds seemed a little one-sided to me. Just to even things up, I have to have shoes on. Since making this pact, the number of spiders I come across when I am barefooted has skyrocketed. I believe this to be the spiders' acceptance. You would to, if you knew that I wear shoes almost every waking hour.

(2) Spiders live a painful existence. Spinning a web can not be comfortable. Let's see...you pull some thread out of your butt, hang from it until you can swing wide enough to reach the next branch, and repeat a billion times over your life time. Of course this is assuming that there isn't a strong wind, which pulls that thread out much faster than you originally intended. Can you say OUCH! We are doing them a favor by sending them to spider heaven. There pigs have to spin the webs, to repay Charlotte.

(3) If logic won't persuade you, let superstition be your guide. Let's see not killing/seeing a spider can bring: money, good luck, health, joy, and hope. However it can also bring: sorrow, anxiety, bad luck, death, personally catastrophic events, new secret enemies, and misfortune. Killing a spider can bring: good or bad luck, and rain. There's the delightful bonus that you no longer have to live with the spider. I'd say the bad side of not killing the spiders far out weighs the good side.

(4) Has this worked? If not, maybe you can benefit from WikiHow! I bet there are at least seven or eight untested methods here that you haven't tried.

(5) Still afraid? At least you know that you are not quite as bad off as this gal. She's willing to pimp herself out for a good spider killer! Please excuse the profanity; I'm sure she doesn't know any better.

(6) What if you just want to kill spiders, but need to give them a fighting chance? Let the diatoms do the dirty work for you! Just call 1-800-DIATOMS.

And as always, you should be glad that I didn't have access to this story when I was 12. Boy, I could have and fun with that one! If I had this story and a small plastic spider, I would have thought I died and went to heaven!