12 Steps--step 5

Some of you may be like I was for the first several decades of my life. You may thinking that logic is an admirable trait in a woman, who, as a general breed, tend to be overly emotional. It is to you that I dedicate this post. I give you the next step along my path to logical independence:

5. Admission of the exact nature of our wrongs

In general, logic is not wrong. Don't get me wrong here, this is not denial speaking. Logic, like any other delectable, is wonderful...if used in moderation. This is where my sin comes in. I have this compulsive need to apply logic to everything.

You may think that this isn't so bad. You may think that you've heard of worse sins. Well....just read on. It is so bad that my favorite joke is not just one joke, but a string of jokes...that follow a logical progression. I will demonstrate:

1. How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?
3. How do you put four elephants in a VW Bug?
4. How do you know that there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
5. The lion king called a meeting, which animal didn't attend?

If you were to argue that this can not be my favorite joke, since it is five jokes, I would agree with you. I would be forced to tell you that my favorite single joke was told to me by my Calculus teacher. Unlike the previous string, it is not in the least logical. You will never guess the answer. It is...What's the difference between a motorcycle. No. I didn't forget half the joke, but the guy who told it to Mr. Hunt might have.

If this wasn't bad enough, my life seems saturated by logic. It seems that the more tainted your thoughts are with logic, the more specific people have to be with you. What do you think of when a 'topless' dinner is suggested to you? My first thought (and, oddly enough, the one I voiced) was "You can take the top off your pot pie, if you want to."

Not even Sunday services are safe! One time, in church, an appendage was defined as "something that is attached to the main body, but is not necessary." Without missing a beat I leaned over to my friend and said "You know, the head is considered an appendage."

These links that my mind makes are truly scary. I'm sure that by now you all now see the dangers of letting logic creep into your thought processes. A little here and there is ok, but remain on your guard. Logic is like lays...once you start, you can't stop!

And, since I'm sure that someone will ask in the comments, here are the answers to the jokes:

1. Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.
2. Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door. (What? You thought that both an elephant and a giraffe would fit in a refrigerator? Don't be silly.)
3. Two in the front, two in the back.
4. There are three in a VW Bug outside, waiting for him.
5. The elephant. He's still in the refrigerator.
6. Two ducks. (I've been told that two telephone polls is an acceptable answer, but I like ducks better. They're fluffy, and quack....and I've sounded like one for a week now. Needless to say, we're good friends now.)

Help Please!

Hey everyone,

I have a friend who is going in for a biopsy on Monday. It would mean a great deal to me if you would remember her in your prayers. She is a totally awesome, very special lady. Please join with me in praying for her.

Thanks, you guys/gals are the best!

12 Steps--step 4

I have a pretty bad cold, and I'm bored. You would be to if the only way you feel like you are breathing is to have the room so full of vicks vapors that it would suffocate a dinosaur. Trying to come up with something to do for the few days that I've been 'hot boxing' vicks has been a challenge. I've applied to a several jobs, caught up on all my fanfiction, played too many video/computer games, done the dishes, cleaned my room, watched all my Christmas movies, read several chapters in my book, and now I'm avoiding calling the insurance company (it's been a busy three days). I figure that the best way to do that is to blog...so without further ado:

Step 4. Moral inventory

This inventory was started quite a while ago, even before I realized that I had a problem with logic. Unfortunately most of my best examples are there. However, I do believe that I have thought of a few more things I could work on. I continue my previous list here.

I'm sorry that I...

1. made my brother a sarcastic sign, so my parents could keep up.
2. ate the whole pan of fudge. It was really good fudge, and I tried to spread it out. It took a whole week. In my defense, I told my roommates to have some, even left it in front of the fridge--with a knife, but they were not fast enough.
3. thought of getting my brother's soon to be born baby an onesie that had "downloading" and a completion bar printed on it. I came to my senses in time, just barely though.
4. wear t-shirts with sarcastic remarks on them. My favorite is "Everyone has the right to be an idiot, but you are abusing the privilege!" I like the contradiction between right and privilege...that, and it makes me feel better when I have to deal with tech support.
5. suggested a moment of silence for those "poor, poor field mice" in my brother's news satire skit. I probably shouldn't encourage behavior like that.
6. was too chicken to admit that I played the "my love life" card when the topic in Apples to Apples was "comical." It was a choice between making people laugh or playing a card that made absolutely no sense. And, I was very unsure about how Nick's family would take it.
7. voted for all around paper cuts for the insurance company that keeps wanting to review, instead of approve, my little brother's headache treatment.
8. suggested that HMX was "whacked out on weed" when we discovered an oddity in its thermal behavior.
9. laughed at my brother when he 'ransomed' the teacher's chalk for his confiscated lighter. This is another prime example of behavior I shouldn't have encouraged. Good thing we sent him to Chile.

I guess I need to make a statement now. I promise to try to be better, and encourage only good behavior in others. I know this will not be easy. As a kid, if it made mom laugh you didn't get punished for it. In general the 'moms' have changed, but the behavior is still there. I'm sorry, and I will strive to do better.

Oh, and in case anyone is wondering about this strange brother I have, all three are represented above.

Truth is stranger than fiction

Have you ever wondered why Einstein left the patent office? Possibly it was due to something like this passing over his desk.

The November 3rd issue of Chemical and Engineering News featured a mini article about a patent that was awarded in August of 2007, to Avocet Polymer Technologies. This patent (US Patent No. 7255627) is for a bra that can double as a gas mask. I know what you are thinking, only a guy would think this up. WRONG! The patent was awarded to one Elena N. Bodnar, of Hinsdale Illinois.

Several thoughts ran through my mind. 1. You've got to be kidding me. 2. How creepy. 3. Women in Illinois must wash their bra more often than I do. At least I hope so. 4. How uncomfortable, in either function.

This invention also brought up a whole lot of questions. How often do you need to change the filter? How does constant skin contact affect the lifetime of the filter? Who's breasts are in the same shape as their lower face? How do they keep air from leaking around the nose? What happens if you are a DD, do they provide a window to see out of? How would I get half of my bra back...would I even want it back? And which would be preferable, exposure to a chemical/biological agent or removing my bra in public...and then sharing it?

12 Steps--step 3

3. Total surrender to God.

This has been a difficult post to write. Not because I don't believe in God; because I most assuredly do. Not because I don't do what he tells me; my track record isn't 100%, but it's up there. But because I want it to have the right mixture of insolence and reverence. I want God to read this and laugh, without giving a single thought toward the smite button. (I'd post the cartoon, but Gary Larson has requested that his cartoons not be available on the internet.) So...here we go. If I'm still around tomorrow, I guess He laughed.

I will illustrate this step with three examples, since everyone knows all things religious must be proved in threes.

• I cross streets in downtown Salt Lake City. Most people think that this is taking their life into their own hands. Occasionally I would agree with them. However, since I got an iPod for Christmas, this endeavor has been getting more and more dangerous. I find it warming to look up just in time to avoid the driver that wants to turn me into chunky soup. I believe its evidence that God isn't tired of my shenanigans here on Earth, yet. Oh, and I'm sorry I swore last time.

• I have been reading the Old Testament, and I'm actually enjoying it. Sure it has it's boring parts, but the interesting/funny parts are mixed in at just the right frequency. It must have been inspired. Along with all the genealogy, the wars, and where each tribe's inheritance is located, are...(1) A talking donkey; (2) paradoxes (you can't gather sticks on the Sabbath, but immediately stone the guy who did); (3) a slut who gets rewarded for blackmail; and my personal favorite (4) Moses acting like a Jewish grandmother (Because of your unfaithfulness we have had to wander in the desert for 40 years, with you whining and murmuring against God the whole time! I left you alone, for just a minute, and while I was gone you starting worshiping a golden calf! I took your idol into the wilderness, and beat it to dust. God was so ready to smite your sorry butts, but I pleaded long and hard for you! In His infinite wisdom, God had mercy upon you.). And to think, I'm only in Joshua. I can't wait to get to Samuel where, according to my roommate, there is explosive diarrhea!

• Over the years I have developed a "what will be, will be" attitude. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I just sit back and watch life happening. I am always striving to improve things around me. I have, and continue to, work hard to get exactly where and what I want. I set goals, and make future plans. However, if these plans don't work out exactly the way I hoped, it isn't the end of the world. I adapt, and make new plans. In short, as long as I am treated fairly, I accept what is--and work hard to make tomorrow better. As long as I do my very best, I have faith that everything will work out as it should.

Educated Insolence

What is the obsession with dressing up for Halloween? As a kid I dressed up. However, one year I was too swamped with algebra homework to go trick-or-treating. That was the last time I dressed up. Well...not exactly. I've worn a costume (sort of) three times since then.

The next year, my friends were discussing their Halloween costumes. When I didn't say anything, they asked me what I was going to be. I explained that I wasn't dressing up, and they didn't believe me. The day came where we could wear our costumes to school, and I didn't get a moment's peace. I am ashamed to admit it--on the way home, I caved. I picked up a dead leaf, and told them I had my costume. They asked me what I was, and I made them guess. There was about half a mile left in the walk home. I know what you are thinking, and I did too have an answer in mind. I just wanted to see what they would come up with. They didn't guess it, and I took pity on them. I said, "I'm a missionary." At their confused looks, I twirled my leaf and said, "my little friend has fallen away." That got laughs and them off my back. The best of both worlds.

The next time I dressed up was a few years ago. I had a roommate who wasn't going to let me not dress up. I briefly wondered what she could do to me if I didn't dress up, but in the end I decided to humor her. To the ward Halloween party I wore a baby doll t-shirt that had the yellow submarine from the Beatles's album on it. Since I frequently wore this shirt, she had to ask if I dressed up. I told her, "Yes. I'm a drug rep." It took her a minute, but she got it. I'm sorry to say that most of the people who asked me didn't. I guess that's a good sign, at a LDS party.

The last time wasn't for Halloween. I had a friend that threw a sixties dinner party. Everyone needed to come dressed up in sixties attire. When I complained that I wasn't alive in the sixties, and hence I didn't know how they dressed, she told me to watch sixties TV shows. I told her I would think about dressing up. Then I remembered, Star Trek was on air in the sixties! I went dressed as a red shirt. Complete, mini-skirt and all.

Picture Tag

So...here's the rules:

1. Go to the third folder in your picture files.
2. Post the third picture.
3. Tag three friends.

Here's my picture. It's from the last time we went skeet hunting, last April.

I tag: Jessie, Mandy, and Bishop Glade.

My blog reading has increased since the last time I was tagged, but just barely.